one thing ive always had a problem with is identity, and this kind of goes with everything.
sometimes i feel closer to being in a coma than i feel like i am in my actual body.
for some odd reason, ive always tried to be someone im supposedly not.
and i get that "oh yeah teenagers always go through that" but ive been doing this since i was 6 years old
anyway, basically im really insecure, about everything.
im insecure about my emotions, my body, my gender, everything.
i guess i am a little hard on myself but i genuinly mean it, i hate everything about myself.
i hate being a boy because all in all, i act like a girl, talk like a girl, my hormones are fucking everywhere just like a girls, and i get that girls hormones are obiously more crazy than boys, and they have periods, and the literal base of society that has hated them since idk whenever god created them (If god even exists, but they probably do.) but honestly, i'd give it up, id give up being a boy to be a girl, no matter how painful or how much suffering i go through.
my life already sucks, atleast i wanna feel secure while i go groan about it.
but then thats another problem, thats all i do, is feel self pity, this is the part where i hate my mentality.
i dont have the best personality ever, but i think the way i make other people view me is nice, but in reality? Im nothing like that, in reality im a rude, two faced, self pitying, asshole.
and no im not being hard to myself, i mean it, im pretty sure im either bipolar or borderline, im so afraid of being abandoned by everyone and i dont wanna be alone, but thats all i ever do, i push people away from me, currently as of writing this (December 19 2024) Im dating my friend Jeremy but i dont even love him because when he confessed that he liked me i had
but then i also feel guilty as fuck because I SHOULDVE TOLD HIM but noooooo we dated all the way back in september, or august of this year (2024) and i STILL HAVENT TOLD HIM, the worst part is, is that when I was in the mental hospital he was really worried about me, and i still feel guilty about that because i kinda CANT love him for some reason, maybe its because hes not me type or something but jesus fucking christ why am i so uncapable of loving someone THAT ACTUALLY LIKES ME BACK, but nooo ill always go with the crush thats either gonna abuse me or mess me up mentally.
Unfortunately my type is guys that'll do exactly that to me, fuck me up mentally then leave suddenly.
Ughhhhhh lets hope i get a good fuckin abusive boyfriend when i go into high school next year! :3
but seriously, somethings wrong with me.
and i honestly dont wanna get better
is it weird that i wanna go back to the mental hospital? Is it weird that i love cutting myself just because i wanna feel something and i want someone to notice me and say its "hot" or something that i cut my thigh? Thats weird isnt it? I kinda dont wanna get better...and by kinda i mean im probably gonna kill myself when im 17, or when im 27 if i become famous by then, if im 27 and not famous im probably still gonna kill myself because bitch your so post to be famous and kill yourself just like kurt cobain or idk any druggie in hollywood (Excluding kurt hes fucking cool and hes not just any druggie) but all of that is just so i can stay a teenager forever...so i can still be young and not a old fucking guy in a nursing home wondering where his life went wrong, guess thats why im not having kids, fuck kids. Sex is boring, And id be a terrible fucking parent.
unfortunate that as a guy for some reason adults expect me to shoot a huge fucking load into a girls pussy and get them pregnant when i CLEARLY hate that.
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